Am I deliberately craving attention or am I looking for a self destruct button to let me out?
We are all the same yet so different. Every fractional indistinct difference that can be explained as minutae, yet still we don’t know how to decipher eachothers reaction.
You don’t get to control another. Not truly. Not if you are to be authentic as they say. You know when you try how guilty you actually feel.. how its empty and doesn’t sate the need buried within. That craving for something real and whole and unforced. Truly worth having and a true struggle. How to pick the battle, the good fight? Maybe ignorance is bliss you know. To start simple over complicate and then re simplify would be the dream, but how many truly escape the over complicated middle one the first step is made? Its intoxicating…. So many false promises. Happiness around this final corner, just jump this last huddle. It will taste so sweet. You know it will be worth it. Blind leading the blind of course. Devil leading the weak and weary, desperate and dreary.
Do I fear loss or failure or incompetence or lack of omnipotence? I know that all these are correct even now so why fear what is not hidden? Its known. Perhaps the scarier is what is known, potential being fulfilled. The thought that actually, you know what there is no dividing line. You walk were ever you place your feet. One small step. All it takes is one small step.
One foot in front of the other. Just define that step and make it boldly. Imprint in the dirt and rubble, so it is known you tread here. Perhaps not one has tread here before. How magically terrifying would that be. Charting the unchartered. To look or to close ones eyes? Random or considered? Big risk equals biggest reward and biggest failure and heartbreak. One must not be afraid to put every last heartbeat out into the world for it to be seen, because when that energy reverberates off the universe it creates a vibrancy. You are what you put out into the world, more simply the energy you allow to escape you. Don’t be selfish. Get it out there are let it impact and shape. Where you stand and allow your energy to mould, you will be left here. Don’t be only impacted. Take the ying and the yang. Give and receive. Embrace the duality and the unity, the paradox. The weakness in strength.
Change you mind and change it often young mind. It’s to be stretched and tested and blown and battered. See how you fare. You can’t truly be stuck to anything if you never do what you fear. Be that freak. Own it. In every way.
Streams and streams of consciousness. To write is to record, to place importance on what is happening, to notice. PAY attention. Live through it, breath it. Pull on that thread.. see if it sticks. Yank. Dare to tear it apart and unravel to whats underneath.
Punish me. I can take it. Let me build my strength against your cruelty and coldness. I’ll build a Furnace in ode to you. It will warm and burn bright. In opposition to you I will love deeper and cleaner and clearer. My light will shine brighter and whiter and electrify every corner of the space between. You won’t even be able to look away, with my back to you. Walking away and towards my brighter light. You crawl and clamber in this direction. You dig those nails in. I will LOVE you. With every finger tip and inch of my skin, a love you cant even place nor replicate nor question. There for the taking, the breaking. Test it, shake it. Rip it through, revel in the destruction of its beauty, because you cant snub it. It will never wither. The truth of it will outlast me and you and us and will define this space I am.
What is this desperate yearning? Why is I never enough? I want more, how can I be so naïve and foolish. I have never encountered such battles. I fight desperately not to be overcome, to be engulfed by the grey taste of failure and darkness. How do I describe this pain? This desperation. Not being able to fix, to soar to where I want to be? Focus inwards. Inwards. Inwards. There is nothing out there for you until there is nothing left inside to wrestle. Fragile please. I want to stay that way. I don’t care if it hurts more. To harden would be the ultimate failure in my eyes. To fear honesty and truth and shattering.
When one has an experience like the one this past weekend its difficult to know where to go from there. I feel like a moron or a drama queen even trying to explain the significance of thinking in such a different and uninhibited way. The dots connected in a way that I could barely comprehend. Everything just made sense. I saw everything as it was and as it should be and emotionally was able to comprehend it all too.
Constantly overwhelmed. Sometimes I consider if ignorance is bliss? To live unmoved by the plight to better oneself and to test and forge yourself.. Perhaps. But there is no turning back now.
TURN INWARDS. COMPETE WITH YOURSELF. Remember the 2 wolves darling. The one that wins is the one that you feed. Feed yourself. Build yourself, shine bright and bold and brave ok?
Also reading into the occult… I see what Kugan wants here.. to be party to the hidden. For only some folk. He is striving for meaning and belonging just like the rest of us ey. Turn inwards I say. And be wary of trying to hold onto anything… My eye opening experience showed me that much. The clearest thing was the ever changing cyclical, futility of everything. As soon as you try to grab hold you encounter struggle and pain and expectation and desire and the illusion of safety. When actually the seriousness of it all is that its all a dark joke. There is nothing if you keep looking. It’s a void, an abyss. Which in and of itself is a relief, a release no? You can surrender without expectation, and roll with it and enjoy the meaningless futility whilst doing what you can and what you want. It is such a relief I must say.
And here I am back again… circular. It is all circular. No motivation. I’m sure it will all be fine later.. with a bit of distraction. Why does it feel as though my guts have been compressed and yanked up into my throat?
Its cruel. Who created us this way? Huh. All I ask is a little rest… a moment to breath. I’m well aware that it is all a test.. but what is the prize? I don’t want it.. is it Immortality? Death? Freedom? Love? Power? Fear?
Those eye openers ey… opening up all these doors. Stepping into the unknown each time.. maybe I should tread into the known.. it is safe and quiet there? Or have I gone too far? Opened the can of words? Let it all gush uncontrollably out. Under the compression of the bell jar. So much now makes sense.. some tragic and some beautiful, and yet they are just the same thing. 2 sides of the same coin no doubt. The futility and the significance.
Always finding a new thing to suffer through. I need to focus on satisfaction no? authentic ways to be satisfied? Happy with myself? How do I do that then ey?
- Hold still. Turrnnnn inwards. There is no need to explain your actions. Just do what you have to do. Be brave. Take the step. Move on… It is what needs to happen. For now. Cut out the toxic part of you. Be free and alone. Can you do it? I think you can. And this may well be the only way to find out. Will it tear you apart? Only time will tell.
To be here.
Is to love.
Act out of fear or out of love? To force or to hold still? To become aware? I think its too late. I am a curious creature… I want to push the limits of my reality. I maybe want to go insane? To go insane is to see your true limits. Not to be confined by one realm, by one dimension. Turn inwards. Your power knows no bound. You learn quicker than you can possibly manifest.
Is there even a right or wrong way? We are the creator and the created.
The world we want to live in has not been created yet. We need to create our own reality, not the one superimposed by the people we allow to rule us and to impose the reality that serves them.
Be the change you want to see.
Give me a place to stand and I will move the world.
The pen is greater than the sword.
That’s a lie.
You can create post destruction. But why not skip the destruction and move straight to the creation.
Awareness is a beautiful thing. To awaken is to take responsibility.
Those who hold the pen hold the power.
Once you begin… there is no turning back. Don’t allow those who are aware strip you of your awareness. That power struggle need not exist. We can all be collectively conscious. There is no battle, no competition. Its an illusion a separation from the self, unity, oneness. I don’t know what happens when we are all aware. I would like to know… to believe to understand.
Yet, at the same time I’m aware that I am exactly where I need to be right now.
I am in complete power and control.. yet I cannot change a thing. The wheels have been set in motion for the biggest adventure.. experiment… play time that could possibly be conceived.
Everything in this universe feels beneath.. like repetition.. like what could be learnt has been and that the pace of learning could be hastened by throwing myself head first into new and scary.. that juxtaposition of fear and desire. Grounding you to the spot. Only when the time is right. I trust by purest form, my aware being that I am.
From every moment, if you are present, for I mean that is all that truly exists, if you are here, the learning becomes greatest. And to look within yourself.. the learning becomes purest.
To meditate. To create the awareness of the self.
All of this writing… leaking, dribbling, falling out before I can catch it. I can’t stop the motions now. I’m excited for the ride. Facing my fears as the reach out for me. I’m pretty determined.
I worry that I have maybe constructed this reality as a way to be content, to justify my actions and inaction, a purely subjective perspective. Not to push myself but to accept. If that freedom or ultimate imprisonment? Does it even matter?
So can I even begin to explain, will my perception change? Of course it will. I know nothing. I know myself. I know that there is no such thing as the self. Peculiar. What is even left then I’d ask? Just ultimate awareness. A decider. All possible outcomes are available until a choice is made. And we are now aware of our choices. But would we even make different choices if we knew we had a choice?
Just be here. Like water? Formless, but able to take on and shape any vessel we see fit. Ultimate control, with ultimate freedom. To freeze is to hold force and power and the ability to destruct.. to evaporate… is to form into chaos. Deliberate but no pressure. Just where it needs to be. Oh bruce lee. :)
I quite like to treat everyone as manifestations of myself. It reinforces the idea that you need to love all and love yourself, because they are inseparable. A universal truth, the golden rule. The key? The key. Move with, not against the flow. WATER.
I’d like a clean bill of health.
The revisionists dilemma.
To read and write of ones own free will is a gift of true freedom if there ever was one.
My theory… once a human has created a new thing, a new process. Automate. Machines are made to repeat. Humans to consciously create. Until we create human machines, that is. Creul? Maybe. Inevitable. I feel so. To hold on to anything even our human form is just to create suffering. Empower people to replace themselves.. to destroy themselves.??! Well it doesn’t have to be destroy. It could be limit the destruction and increase the productivity and creativity so as not to need destruction. To make way for a something beautiful.
The world we want to live in has not been created yet. We all have the power and responsibility to create our own reality. To start a new tribe? Are all tribes doomed to fail?
Can we learn from block chains? No central service… mathematical proof… central services are on their way to obsolescence.
Silence speaks a thousand words.
Writing… on a blank canvas feels like freefalling. The excitement and the sheer unknown. Nervousness and anticipation. True, pure creativity pouring out unabridged. I can think of no simpler freedom and pleasure.
Input, output, perception, reflection…
In breath, out breath,, to see. Complete unity and balance. Oneness. It is breathtaking.
Mercury in retrograde.. what a great time for reflection. No decisions to make. Just observe the mind scramble. And unwind.
Don’t be a writer, be writing…William Faulkner.
Theres a balance that needs redressing. Why do I find it such a leap of faith to begin? I think part of me refuses to believe that it is this simple. Just how simple life truly is. Input, output, reflection, perception.
My writing is not what I’d ever imagined. I don’t even understand where the form came from. It is to convince myself that I exist.. that I am a creator and that maybe is enough. If your heart is broken create art from the pieces.
There is pain and torture behind true art… A story so to speak. Even if that is the anguish of inadequacy, feeling as though you don’t have a right to tell your story.
Admitting that you know nothing and are not trying to express what you do not know… that’s when you can see true art.
You create a space between us.. which I continue to fill creating myself in your vacuum. Perhaps there is no use in kindness. I mean how would I ever learn. I pray for a inch of attention, a side ways glance and warm embrace… and I never find it. But I learn to embrace myself. For some reason the warmth eludes me though. Perhaps that is the next lesson.
It is the tension that creates motion.. the force of energy that propels me. So perhaps that is why I knock myself against it time and time again. Without it I feel empty and void and blank. That’s what scares me the most.. that the light fades so quickly alone. The feelings become mere echos until I don’t even remember what created them in the first place, let alone feel them.
It’s the silence… the calm the being that feels scary. Suspended, weightless. Hyper sensitised. Knowing that I am the ultimate controller of the next moment. Its easier to create force by crashing into new and shiny. To spiral, vortex away. Carried away. You’ve let go.. and you let the wind pick you up and fling you to anywhere.
Whats not so easy is to sit. In the silence and feel like an immense dead weight. The inner battle to make yourself move.. and be completely accountable for each step. That’s paralysing.
Today feels hard. :( I think I’m going to have to hibernate a small part of myself as it recovers.. I just feel a bit tired. Weary. Silly. I don’t do silly things. But I did the silliest thing apparently. I’m only here. And it is exactly where I need to be. The steps being taken feel cyclical and without heart. A calm glide.
I can’t know. And even if I could it doesn’t matter. Why are we confined to this realm even as we become aware and start to push out. Surrender to a higher power. Impatience is a foolish arrogance. Everything you need is right here my sweet. Every decision you’ve made, everything that you have impacted has been a necessary footstep on your unique path. Refrain from being petulant. Stay grateful for what you have. Recreate your history… tell yourself a new story. How will you look back to here?
It was the most stimulating, growth period of my life. All good things arose from this year. Every foundation was laid. Diligently lay each structure with purpose and intention and care. With love. You are pure awareness. A benevolent graceful observer.
Supremely grateful for everything that I have at this moment. The clarity, the resources, the opportunities. We seem to be destined for exponential connectedness and unity in the near future. At least as I see and feel it. The tumbling, rolling, gathering pace. From every source, once defiant and stubborn.. power is being minutely relinquished in even the most unexpected places. I do have faith. This is the cycle of all things. Its so reassuring that the world works in such beautiful perfect form. Such predictability if only you truly see all that is there at every level in every moment. There is merely an illusion of imbalance. In fact we are blindfolded, calm, present, walking along confidently. If only we return to what we know. That I am.
To write. Be writing, not a writer. So I shall begin. Not knowing where I am going particularly, just wondering, wandering. My mind stalls. Each time I contemplate. Unfamiliar with the concept of just allowing the words to stream out like the glugs of wine into a crystal clear vessel. Why stalling? Self-indulgent perhaps. Maybe I’d like to know the destination. I would like some guidance please? Anyone… no. all alone. So I guess I will just have to travel and create this all on my own. Laziness. What defines this? I feel like it’s a falsehood. All it is, is the prioritisation of things. These grubby grapes need washing.. but I’m not yet hungry enough to get up and do that. Should I? Need I? Must I? No. nothing is compelling me one way or the other. And that is ok. Other people’s expectations define what should and shouldn’t be done and when, but when you take a second and ask yourself what you actually must do right this second I find nothing. Just a blank canvas. Each action tumbling, moment by moment. Zeno’s paradox. Movement is an illusion. So perhaps each moment and the moments that pre and proceed it are illusions. Given time may be one of our dimensions we observe travel along an axis. A linear plane of time, past present, future. From the 5th Dimension… one could observe all of space and time in one glance. If those beings can glance that is. The film interstellar was a mesmerising representation of this. Our perceptions are so incredibly strong. They have convinced us of our limited place in this universe and confined us to it. History is the story of information becoming aware of itself. That seems to follow. As we bound along the meta-knowledge.
So, as always people question the relevance of these philosophical musings. The problem is that the answer to that question is a compounding paradox that leads you into the circle inside the square inside the circle. There are no answers for us in the conventional sense. To continue to look outside your own awareness is a futile. Not futile. I take that back. But it is an equivalent method to looking within. Both methods are equally futile perhaps!
Maybe we are asking the wrong questions. It is not why? In fact I don’t know what to replace that with. Perhaps asking questions in and of itself is not the answer. The question is the answer, the answer is the question. So often we see 2 equal and opposites from the perspective of just one. We see the good, not bad, light not dark, mystery not clarity. When in fact they are one and the same thing. Within one you find the purest form of the other. Within the black hole you find the singularity. Defiant of all reasonable separatist logic. We seem unwilling to let go. To take our minds to the ultimate extreme. Murphy’s law. We want to hold on to something we feel we know. Safe in some knowledge right? When we know deeper down that we could ever articulate that the wisest acknowledge they know nothing… and that all we can possibly know is that we are aware and present. I am.
Language seems to me to have the ultimate power but also its own crippling inherent weakness. It attempts to cross a chasm for which it is not equipped. The best start building bridges. Create moments of pure connected consciousness where the secrets of the universe are revealed to the discerning perceiver. Many are fleeting, only noticed by the subconscious. Drowned out by the intense and suffocating material mirages, these subtleties lay dormant waiting to be uncovered, reconnected.
Virginia Woolf. I’d like to dive into her work.
Oceans feel symbolic to me at the moment. They seem to be a perfect metaphor for consciousness. With the waves of emotion.. the cyclical churn of the material self.. at the surface. Endless depths below, which when fully immersed the surface waves barely noticeable. The beauty, serenity, peace and unity as you sink below. Having let go. It need not be a raging battle to stay afloat. No need for fear of the unknown darkness. Nor need it be a desperate race to the bottom, using every last ounce of strength to ‘win’, only to find that there is nothing to be won, just more infinite depths to travel. Instead let it be a paced and perfectly released float into oneself, as we are ready, no sooner, no later.
In the vein of the obstacle is the way… my favourite imagery of sadness, depression even, is that of a black hole, a sphere of impenetrable darkness in our hearts. A sphere which cannot be squashed no matter how hard we try. Our expended energy wasted. The first thoughts from dearest Hanita which pulled me out of the depths of sadness was if the hole cannot be shrunk that expand its context. Create a life, a world around it that is so vibrant and fulfilling that the black hole pales in comparison. This truly worked for me temporarily. The faint melancholy was still there.. but like a black hole the closer I got to it.. focused on it the more it wanted to drag me in, deeper still. Perhaps then the key is to let go… to allow yourself to fall into the black hole, into the unknown and that, that is where you will find your singularity, your salvation. Contained in there is the universe. Nuit & Hadit. Returning to the creation of the black hole… it is a gravitational collapsing. Quite astounding and on an emotional level beautiful and compelling. To be able to create such a thing in the first place would require a dying star. Breath-taking to consider.
Listening to Tim and Rolf this morning, I felt sad and perhaps a little guilty as they discussed their experiences as writers. The personal struggles they feel trying to ‘bash’ out their thoughts. Perhaps I’m doing it wrong, or what I’m producing is not of the quality or resonance they strive for, but my experience of writing so far is the complete antithesis. Surprising myself even, the words and thoughts and feelings flow as though a voice speaking to me/through me and form naturally in front of me. I am not restricting myself in anyway, however, so our end goals are very different. They are trying to convey, connect, and relate information in a way that helps as many people as possible. To tell a story. It perhaps cannot afford to be a meander through the woods, along a stream, pause to feel the grass in between their toes. Optimising for efficiency comes to mind. I guess my approach so far is of vagabonding through my writing. Collecting experience as I go to, weave into my consciousness and my story. Ultimately it is my playground, my experiment and any benefit to others is secondary. Perhaps this will change as I evolve. I do very much want to improve my writing, of course. There is just something in being present in writing too, to allow what is to be, and not to will it to be something from the past or expect it to provide for a future.
There is such a wealth of untapped knowledge that I seem to be finding by simply reading/writing/listening. I am so grateful and relieved even to understand the ways in which this allows me to unravel and remake myself in my own little mental laboratory.
There is a little hollow,
I can’t quite locate.
I stumble into it occasionally,
As if it were fate.
I catch myself curious,
Willing myself to peer in.
Against some other judgement
My reflection leering.
Equal parts curious
Terrified and daring.
Eyes shut, diving in,
Taken under my own wing.
I worry but then I don’t. flit between micro emotions, between breathes maintaining balance. I think it’s dangerous how similar depression is from contentment is to psychopathy. The blankness, the emotional blankness. The minutest difference in perspective really. Disempowered to accepting to rational self-satisfaction. I feel the reality between these are far closer than we could possibly imagine. We have so much more in common that we often hope. The egg dialogue. Just a mind bendingly simple way of understanding that we are merely a separation of ourselves.. of god and the entire journey is just to become ourselves and become one once again. So much left to learn, to experience, and when were through we begin once over. The ultimate cycle of reincarnation.
So for now I fill my brain with all the things. Soak up and trust in my intuition to guide through this journey of a thousand faces.
The impenetrable fog that engulfs me right now. I weighs heavy on my eye lids. Sedating and immersive. My mind is contradictory. There is the urge to help and serve others. Yet the understanding that we are all where we need to be, and given a true understanding of the nature of our universe, we are mere awareness traversing these paths. The content does not change, we take the path least travelled to fill in the own growing collective consciousness. To get us closer to being reborn. Are we entitled to know the secrets of the universe? Is it for us to know?
The sea in which we’ve dipped the toe of perception is vastly inadequately equipped to handle such depth and awe. Even fully submerged, in this place we are not made to understand. Perhaps collectively we evolve to, and to Sheldrake’s point as a species we expand our blueprint. There is a memory that is ever expanding to accommodate the exponential accumulation of information. We are chronically alone, yet can only succeed in unity.
Sometimes I have a surge of gratitude for the people in my life.
I look deep in to the future… what do I feel, what do I see?
I think mostly it’s a sense of freedom to exercise my will.
To have crossed paths with people who have touched me and connected in the space between.
I see a richness of experience and wisdom interwoven with courage and grace and humor.
A fulfillment of my potential and a deep understanding and awe of the universe and my place in it.
Wonder at the little things, quick to help and quick to forgive.
I want to have curiosity always, willing and able to listen and learn in every moment.
To leave a legacy of sorts… at least a better world than I entered.
Magicians control over my states and that of those around me.
Deeply wondered over the face of our world, travelled as many paths un touched as possible.
Making smaller circles.
Its interesting what comes back round to make sense in a whole new way.
2 things define us in life. Our patience when we have nothing and our attitude when we have everything.
Today I am sedate. Carb loaded and heavy. I feel worried about disappearing down a rabbit hole and loosing grip of the rope that I found and have been inching up, slowly, towards the light.
I’m almost at the point of subconscious submersion once again. Where my instincts are primal and less combative. I am not wrestling as much with ideas and challenging and reworking each iteration. Perhaps this is the process of making smaller circles. At some point you have to let go, get sucked back and see where you land. From this new place how long can you walk without being disturbed?
I was mad today for a while with Hanita. An accusatory snap at my presumptuousness had me reeling. It wasn’t unfounded, but I took real offense at my intuition being questioned. I have absolute faith in that part of me that just knows, but its moments like these that reminds me that there is no obligation for others to follow. That is where the art comes in. That is part of why I feel an intense pull to share as I write, not churn in self-obsessed circles. Perhaps that is my newly discovered extrovert component. My energy to continue comes from some aspect of validation. I don’t care much for what others think, but intrinsically I want to share rather than hoard, no matter what the consequences, partly because it echoes my need to truth and honesty in every instant possible.
It disappointed me, mainly because I am aware that my empowerment and esteem comes from within as I firmly hold and for it to slip so fast indicated that are many more facets yet to unpick. Every time I consider if I can pause, I am given reassurance that if my curiosity is still as potent, there are numerous more doors to open. Exponential growth. Always. There is so much that still burns a passion so deep.
I crave connection, but it’s becoming more controlled and disciplined the more I play. Each encounter I feel is rounding out my nerves and I am excited for what the future potential holds. I have many a lesson to take. I have seen and felt the furthest potentials capable. I just plan to tumble in their genera direction and see what I pick up on my way.
One thing at a time… Make smaller circles. Discipline. Going deeper… part of me wants to sink into one thing more deeply… and my natural state wants to skim the surface across an ocean. Perhaps there is no right answer with this. I’m certain there isn’t.
There was a real tension today that I didn’t admire in myself. I’d like that to dissipate quicker next time.
Is there a time that one shouldn’t write? Or is it a given that it will always be a way of revealing yourself.. and that is no bad thing? I get this rusty reluctance sometimes to do anything that my will does not draw me to enthusiastically. I worry that I am striding off into a direction on a whim not certain if it’s to find something or lose something.
My desires and fears are calmed to a slight simmer. The cards reassure me that abundance is due. I lean in dutifully to the inner tranquillity to explore and understand. I wonder if The Head (Kugan) is wrong about joy. That it is the natural state for us. I think its perhaps closer to acceptance and wonder. The mind is a fickle companion. It will sooner work for you as against.
There is something in being able to train both mind and body for the on demand discipline and release that is the potential of our pure awareness. They are merely tools to be optimised and vessels to be filled for a greater purpose. Neither my mind nor my body seem to be working in my favour right this moment. My body is lethargic, undisciplined and anticipating. My mind observant and dormant. Dormant is the right word.
There is a lot of settling to be done in my mind and just so many depths of myself to traverse. I think I may need to connect with gratitude and joy again.
- Think of the year ahead. There are countless opportunities to excel through a dizzying vortex of experience. Much in line with the last but more in my own control and awareness.
- Explore new places, with new people. That excitement of falling in love with things. Like NY or Berlin